Giving Up Idealized Self

I am writing in response to the November 3 president’s column by Anita Everett, M.D., titled “Staring Into the Sun.” I strongly agree that dealing with mortality is a central issue in our lives and in the work we do. In the words of Martin Cooperman: “All psychopathology is loss, all psychotherapy is mourning.” However, mortality is not the only loss that we grieve.

In my relationship with my parents, I went through two distinct grief processes. The first was in my 30s when I was working in my own psychotherapy. In the first stage, I had to give up the people who I wanted my parents to be so that I could have an adult relationship with the people who they really were. I have come to know this as the loss of the idealized other.

The second stage was dealing with their physical deaths. Like Dr. Everett’s mother, their terminal illnesses gave me warning of their impending deaths. I used this time to compose their eulogies and share these thoughts with each in person. Despite the sad context, these were wonderful conversations that eased my acceptance of their deaths when those times came.

In working with many patients, as they grieve the loss of loved ones, we usually spend more time grieving the idealized other than we do grieving the actual person. As we help our patients to accept themselves as they are, this self-acceptance allows our patients to accept others as they are, which enriches these relationships while all parties are alive. The more successfully that we have worked on our own grieving processes, the more available we are to help our patients work through theirs.

MICHAEL DELOLLIS, M.D. (Corvallis, Ore.) ■